A secret agent, if only in my own mind

Working through it

2011-08-27T05:48:00.001-07:00

I read or heard a few weeks ago that the best way to work through something is not in fact to talk about it, but rather to write it out. That the brain handles "trauma" better and reconfigures it for us by the process of writing. This idea has popped up in my brain a handful of times since I received it as something I should make effort to do for myself. Lord knows I'm "action packed with issues". I know I previously tried to dump my thoughts and process my issues through my blog, but stopped when it was called up in my divorce proceedings. I think I may try again, you know when I stop making excuses and avoid my issues, when work and home don't feel like their sucking my soul, etc.

Turkey Leg McGee

2011-08-06T11:30:00.000-07:00

Ok, I'm ready for him to come home now.

Pain

2011-07-21T09:39:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of it. The random never ending cycle of pain. If I lost weight again, I would probably not hurt as much. I have a hard time exercising because of said pain. Doctors look at me like I'm making it up. I just want to curl up in my bed. Prescription strength Naproxen isn't cutting it. Please shoot me?

New Ink

2011-07-18T18:12:00.001-07:00

Over It

2011-07-13T06:46:00.001-07:00

I am so over today and it isn't even 10 am. Crap sleep, sore, period REstarted with cramps anew, I've been pissed at Drew for days, dog puke everywhere, super grumpy baby (possible teething as drool and hand chewing has kicked up a few notches and he doesn't want to eat), calcium deposit hurts, stressed about wedding/how to video/money/etc., always sassy Turkey, and every time I found a song I wanted on my iPhone (now used as an iPod) it would decide to restart and skip to another song. Yes, ridiculous I know, but combined it makes for a pissy Amy.

Being Discouraged

2011-07-06T15:13:00.001-07:00

Every time I step on the Wii my heart catches in my chest. "Please don't go up, please don't go up" is like a mantra in my brain. So to remind myself that I have made some small changes in my body and it's not all for naught the round up of the past near two months on weight watchers.

Weight lost: 4 lbs

Inches from my hips lost: 3

Inches from my bust lost: 2

Inches from my thighs lost: 2

Dress sizes gone down: Nearly 2

So even though it feels like I've accomplished nothing and have been working so hard, I have lost a little bit. Yes, the losses are small. I have to remember that my baby is barely 4 months old, that my hormones just started to work their way out of my body to allow me to lose weight, that I may have a hernia, that four months ago I was on bedrest and lost so much muscle mass and flexibility, that I have been working out and eating healthier and that it is a great thing for my boys to see, and that today when I did my yoga I did improve from previous times. Maybe this week I'll have another loss (lord knows my confidence needs it)

Next steps

2011-07-04T12:41:00.000-07:00

So I am going to go to Fort Lauderdale for Vista training in August. I'm a little nervous and overwhelmed. This position is definitely going to take me out of my comfort zone. I know I'm capable, and I keep telling myself that it's a great experience not only professionally but personally. So to calm my mind and nerves I found some links that give a better idea of what I'm about to do and the people I'm doing it with.

http://googleblog.blogspot.com/2011/05/bringing-tech-knowledge-to-nonprofits.html

http://www.handsonnetwork.org/

http://www.google.com/nonprofits/

http://www.americorps.gov

Monday Weigh In

2011-07-04T04:58:00.000-07:00

From last week

Weight change: +2

From last week

Measurements:

Waist +1

Hips +2

Bust 0

Thigh 0

Arm +1

So I gained half of what I lost last week back and all of my inches lost last week. I exercised every single day, which I am proud of. I know the gain was from food this past week. I treated myself and got an elephant ear, ate at Slow's and TGI Fridays (cheesecake to die for). On top of that I felt like I was starving all week. I wasn't munching all day long because we are just about out of food until Weds this week. So maybe if I get the food under control and keep up the exercise next week will turn out better. It needs to; I put the deposit down for our wedding. 341 days to be happier with my body....

Goals for this week: (Almost the same again as I've been slacking and using being busy as an excuse)

Work on motivation/inspiration board
Motivational quotes around the house (print them out on cutesie paper and put them in dollar store frames
Exercise every day again.
Cut out late night snacks.

I got a job!

2011-06-30T18:09:00.000-07:00

I was accepted into the Hands On Tech program through Americorps, sponsored by Google. I am way excited. I will get some great experience, stretch myself outside of my comfort zone, get training from both Google and Microsoft, find some excellent networking opportunities with the nonprofits of the area, receive benefits, child care assistance and a living stipend as well as a chunk to put towards my loans. And it all ends just in time for Graduate School. Now to make that decision...

Monday Weigh In

2011-06-27T06:27:00.000-07:00

From last week

Weight change: -4

From last week

Measurements:

Waist -1

Hips -2

Bust -1

Thigh 0

Arm -1

Goals for this week: (Almost the same again as I've been slacking and using being busy as an excuse)

Work on motivation/inspiration board
Motivational quotes around the house (print them out on cutesie paper and put them in dollar store frames
Get on my bike at least once
Exercise every other day, no excuses!!!

30:30 30 Day Song Challenge

2011-06-24T14:25:00.000-07:00

Day 30 - Your favorite song at this time last year.

Maybe not my favorite, but I remember listening to it a lot.

29:30 30 Day Song Challenge

2011-06-24T14:24:00.000-07:00

Day 29 - A song from your childhood.

My dad used to sing this to me all of the time.

28:30 30 Day Song Challenge

2011-06-24T14:21:00.000-07:00

Day 28 - A song that makes you feel guilty

Crappy version, but it's all I could find.

27:30 30 Day Song Challenge

2011-06-24T14:20:00.000-07:00

Day 27 - A song you wish you could play

Well worth watching the whole thing, the music just sweeps me up.

26:30 30 Day Song Challenge

2011-06-24T14:16:00.000-07:00

Day 26 - A song that you can play on an instrument

Like the first few notes at least... This version is much prettier though.

25:30 30 Day Song Challenge

2011-06-24T14:14:00.000-07:00

Day 25 - A song that makes you laugh

Still counts!

24:30 30 Day Song Challenge

2011-06-24T14:09:00.000-07:00

Day 24 - A song that you want played at your funeral

For my Turkey

23:30 30 Day Song Challenge

2011-06-24T14:08:00.000-07:00

Day 23 - A song that you want played at your wedding

Drew says it'll be our song.

22:30 30 Day Song Challenge

2011-06-24T14:07:00.000-07:00

Day 22 - A song that you listen to when you're sad

21:30 30 Day Song Challenge

2011-06-24T14:06:00.000-07:00

Day 21 - A song that you listen to when you're happy

20:30 30 Day Song Challenge

2011-06-24T09:54:00.000-07:00

Day 20 - A song that you listen to when you're angry

19:30 30 Day Song Challenge

2011-06-23T18:05:00.001-07:00

Day 19 - A song from your favorite album

Pure Disco baby!

18:30 30 Day Song Challenge

2011-06-22T11:43:00.000-07:00

Day 18 - A song you wish you heard on the radio

Heck yes!

17:30 30 Day Song Challenge

2011-06-21T06:09:00.000-07:00

Day 17 - A song you hear often on the radio

Or basically any Katy Perry or Lady Gaga song. Even Turkey will hum their songs absentmindedly as he plays.

Monday Weighing In & 16:30 30 Day Song Challenge

2011-06-20T08:13:00.000-07:00

No changes at all this week for the weigh in/measure up. Sigh...

Day 16 - A song you used to love but now hate.

15:30 30 Day Song Challenge

2011-06-19T15:44:00.000-07:00

Day 15 - A song that describes you

14:30 30 Day Song Challenge

2011-06-18T04:08:00.000-07:00

Day 14 - A song that no one would expect you to love

13:30 30 Day Song Challenge

2011-06-17T05:45:00.000-07:00

Day 13 - A song that is a guilty pleasure

I'm starting to really <3 Hanson.

12:30 30 Day Song Challenge

2011-06-15T10:01:00.000-07:00

Day 12 - A song from a band you hate

I like her songs against my better judgement, but I freaking hate her.

11:30 30 Day Song Challenge

2011-06-14T18:08:00.001-07:00

Day 11 - A song from your favorite band

One of them anyhow.

Weighing In Again

2011-06-13T16:39:00.000-07:00

So not much change, I'm still below what I was when I started and the stand still is frustrating. BUT, I did diddily squat this week exercisewise. I had my root canal on Tuesday and ended up on Vicodin the rest of the week because of a complication with my jaw. :( I know it's an excuse, but when I'm all "hopped up" on Vicodin the last thing I want to do is exercise. It makes me all dizzy, sleepy and nauseated. I did however stick to my meal plan, which I am proud of. Even with my graduation celebration of margaritas I came in under my weekly allowance by a couple of points. So now to get my arse in gear and get exercising; starting with making the boys walk with me once Tarquin is out of the tub!

From last week

Weight change: +1

From last week

Measurements:

Waist +1

Hips 0

Bust 0

Thigh 0

Arm +1

Goals for this week: (Same as last week)

Work on motivation/inspiration board
Get three days into The Starter's Exercise Plan (do it all days, but at least advance through three days.)
Motivational quotes around the house (print them out on cutesie paper and put them in dollar store frames
Get on my bike at least once

10:30 30 Day Song Challenge

2011-06-13T15:46:00.000-07:00

Day 10 - A song that puts you to sleep

There isn't one. I can't fall asleep easily if there's music or other noise. So while it's not a song, this is what I use to fall asleep.

I think I scared the shrink.

2011-06-13T09:31:00.000-07:00

Either this is why I want to become able to prescribe meds (it's easier to fight the over prescribing if you're allowed to do it yourself I would think) or they'll finally get it right. New diagnosis: Bipolar II.

9:30 30 Day Song Challenge

2011-06-12T07:58:00.000-07:00

Day 9 - A song you can dance to

If I danced (outside of car dancing and goofing with the boys), it would be to this.

8:30 30 Day Song Challenge

2011-06-08T22:10:00.000-07:00

Day 8 - A song you know all the words to

Everyone in my house knows this song by heart and will just randomly blurt it out.

7:30 30 Day Song Challenge

2011-06-08T13:20:00.000-07:00

Day 7 - A song that reminds you of a certain event

"Running Away"

Weighing In

2011-06-06T06:15:00.000-07:00

From last week

Weight change: -4

From last month

Measurements:

Waist -1

Hips -3

Bust -1

Thigh -2

Arm -1

Goals for this week:

Work on motivation/inspiration board
Get three days into The Starter's Exercise Plan (do it all days, but at least advance through three days.)
Motivational quotes around the house (print them out on cutesie paper and put them in dollar store frames
Get on my bike at least once

Oooh! The things to look forward to!

2011-06-05T04:13:00.001-07:00

Tarquin and I came up to Caro to visit our good friends Jeff and Ollie yesterday so 30 Day Song Challenge will resume Monday. I'll even throw in some self-loathing and updates on my fat ass!

6:30 30 Day Song Challenge

2011-06-03T14:01:00.000-07:00

Day 6 - A song that reminds you of somewhere

This whole album was a go to for my drives from GA to MI and back.

5:30 30 Day Song Challenge

2011-06-02T07:13:00.000-07:00

Day 5 - A song that reminds you of someone

For my Crackho.

4:30 30 Day Challenge

2011-06-01T18:56:00.000-07:00

Day 4 - a song that makes you sad

3:30 30 Day Song Challenge

2011-05-31T05:57:00.001-07:00

Day three - A song that makes you happy.

Cliche? Yes. But I <3 it!

2:30 30 Day Song Challenge

2011-05-30T19:00:00.000-07:00

Day two - Your least favorite song

Andrew sang this to me all the damn time when I was pregnant (and somewhat less frequently since I gave birth thank goodness) and it never failed to piss me up.

Other contenders:

And almost all other Nirvana.

1:30 30 Day Song Challenge

2011-05-29T20:04:00.000-07:00

If you have peeked around at my blog at all you will realize that I love "challenges". I love the meaningless posts I can pull out of them. I just love lists. ;)

Day One - Your favorite song

This was the first song I ever sang to Tarquin. I remember welling up because it calmed him right down and then again the first time he sang it with me. Now whenever he wants a "special" song he asks for this one and I know he just wants to be held and snuggled while we sing it. Drew sings this to me and I know it has a special place in his heart as well. I feel lucky that he shares it and sings it with me. Now I sing it to Harrison and can't wait until we can all sing it together.

272

2011-05-28T19:24:00.000-07:00

That's what I weighed in at this morning. My BMI is over 40, severely obese. Regardless of having had a baby less than 3 months ago it's not okay. I'm 10-15 lbs above my prepregnancy weight, I was FAT beforehand. My body has changed in ways that I need to learn yes, but I know I need to kick this fat out. My clothes will never fit the same way they did before Harrison, but they never did after Tarquin either.

Let's go over a little history first.

I was never a skinny girl. I've always had curves. When I was actually a junior I never fit in junior sized clothing (and still never have). I always hated shopping with friends during high school. They'd be trying on tons of clothes and not understanding why I wasn't as well. I don't think they did it on purpose, but it always depressed me. I thought I was fat; I probably weighed around 150-160 lbs. I look at those pictures now and think of how beautiful I was, if only I had known it then. I had hips, damn birthing hips that weren't what was expected societally for a high schooler. I was by no means obese. I was active, I ate poorly as most high schoolers are wont to do, but not horrifically as some did. I told people how much I weighed and they never believed me, said I carried it well so I assumed it was ok.

When I went to GVSU at age 17, I had my first problems with depression. I threw everything of myself into dieting and exercise. If I couldn't control the world around me, I could at least control my body. I did Abs of Steel 3 times a day, rode the bike at the gym for hours and practically starved myself. At my lowest around this time I got down to around 130. Friends were concerned, they said I looked sickly. Eventually my depression lessened and I of course gained back to my previous 155ish where I stayed until I moved to Georgia.

Moving to Georgia, as well as possibly hitting the normal age for depression and anxiety to rear it's ugly face, did nothing for my weight issues. I ate my feelings of loneliness and quickly gained 25 lbs. At the time of my wedding in 2001 I was around 190. When I tried on wedding dresses I felt like a freak, if you weren't some petite little thing there was very little to find. I was maybe a 14/16 at normal stores but my wedding dress was an 18 and still had to be let out. My first marriage was an emotional rollercoaster that I wasn't ready for. I'd balloon up more and when he'd threaten to leave I'd starve myself and psychotically exercise myself down 20-30 lbs. I thought that maybe, just maybe if I was skinnier my marriage and my mental state would be better.

In Hawaii I had the same problems. I'd starve myself when things got tough and then binge at other times. Then the miscarriages came and food became even more of a comfort to me. Before I got pregnant (finally) with Tarquin I was up to around 255. I did well during my pregnancy only gaining around 25 lbs until the last few months when I swelled up. Once the scale reached 315 I stopped looking.

I lost my pregnancy weight quickly, especially as much of it was water towards the end. About two-three months after I was down to 273. I joined a gym, I started taking walks and I committed myself to Weight Watchers. I wanted to be better for my son. I wanted to be healthy for him. I've always been better at doing things for others rather than myself. Then the marriage got worse again and I let things slip. When I moved to Michigan in 2007 I was right around 273 again.

The divorce of course immediately sent me to the starving myself and excessive exercising; trying to control something while the rest of my life was spinning crazy all around. About a month after moving I had lost 15 lbs; the ex saw me and disgustedly said to Tarquin that "Mama was doing her get Daddy back starvation" and it hurt. It was then that I was done with it. My appetite had shrunken from the month or so of starving myself and I committed to eating healthy and being more active. I was so determined that the ding dongs and ice cream sundaes didn't even get a second glance from me. I started to LOVE eating healthier. I started enjoying my body and finding other people that enjoyed it too. When I first started dating again, I tried to hide my weight and was terrified a guy would run from me because I was "fat". I was never once called fat. I was called beautiful, sexy, smart, funny, etc. It became a huge ego boost and just helped me to continue eating healthier. Tarquin began to walk and chasing him had me more active than I had been in ages. In the end I got down to around 198, the first time I'd been under 200 in longer than I could remember.

After a while though, I hit some road bumps of the dating world. The new euphoria of being single wore off, I was still continuously arguing with the ex, boys were schmucks and depression set in. I started to eat some of my feelings and the weight slowly crept back on. January 2010 I was around 238 lbs when I had a miscarriage. It was for the best, but I lost it mentally. The hormone fluctuations after having to have a D&C nearly made me lock myself up. I let depression take over and my weight kept climbing.

Then after some questionable decision making (Tarquin was at his dad's; I'm never wise then) I became pregnant with Harrison. The pregnancy was HARD on my body. So many scares during the first trimester, high blood pressure throughout; and the doctor had me pretty much on restriction the entire time. So not only was I gaining weight but I was losing all muscle tone that I had because I couldn't do anything. During this pregnancy I gained about the same as I did with Tarquin, and it seems I've lost it just as quickly. This time though it's harder. I jump on the Wii Fit and I have no flexibility or stamina; I feel like I'm starting from scratch. But now it's time for a change.

272 is unacceptable. Being so unable to do what I used to do with my Turkey is unacceptable. Seeing how he's become sedentary because he's seen me that way for the past how long is unacceptable. I'm doing this for me. I'm doing this because I remember how great and happy I felt about myself for that short period and I want to be that way again. As for numbers, I'd love to be under 200. My "ideal" weight is around 130 and that's crazy to me. I just want to be able to shop at regular stores, to fit on carnival rides, to not think I'm going to have a heart attack if I have to walk up the smallest flight of stairs. That isn't too much to ask is it?

Join us!

2011-05-27T19:19:00.001-07:00

Chubby Busters

Maybe if I pinch myself, I will wake up.

2011-05-27T12:24:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have one of those moments when you're trying to poop and you have a baby on one knee screaming bloody murder and the big one is bitching because the baby is crying and the internet has gone out (AGAIN) all the while swirling the Wii remote around and stretching out your favorite headband to nearly the breaking point?

No?

Well how about when you've finally magically maneuvered your body in ways that you couldn't do for that yoga video to be able to wipe your own butt while still holding the screaming baby and have procured a bottle to stop said baby from screaming and the big one has decided he has to poop and argues from the open door of the bathroom about how he wants to play with his Legos (never mind the fact that Imaginext are scattered from one end of the living room to the other AND he's somehow lost the Wii remote after you have told him at least 85 times today to quit touching things that aren't his and put things back where they belong) and then spend 15 minutes arguing about wiping his own ass for a change?

Has that happened to you? Somedays I swear this is not my life, there's no way I was crazy enough to sign up for this. I'm soon going to wake up and be living in a foreign tropical locale, right? RIGHT? Hey, why are you running away?

If only it happened this way every day.

2011-05-27T06:18:00.001-07:00

Waking up of my own accord helps to make everything start out right. A cup of coffee is essential if anyone wants anything pleasant to come out of my mouth and for me not to just roll my butt back into bed. To make everything absolutely perfect, my family happy and not arguing and giving me a little while to wake up.

I need a sewing machine!

2011-05-19T07:34:00.000-07:00

You ask why? For the making of all of this wonderfulness and the loads more I have saved in my bookmark folders!

And the battle begins

2011-05-12T06:23:00.000-07:00

Well, rebegins (regardless of that not being a "real" word). Let's see how PointsPlus treats us.

Therapy sucks

2011-05-10T15:24:00.001-07:00

Especially when your therapist is right.

Fat Ass

2011-05-08T06:04:00.000-07:00

My ass is huge. Well, I'm huge all over, but Andy took a picture of me walking with Tarquin at the zoo the other day and my ass's ginormousness just awed and ashamed me. Yes, I'm aware that I had a baby two months ago today. I know this means my body will be something I have to relearn and will never be the same as it was before. I learned this after Tarquin. But my habits have not improved and exercise is something I vaguely think about between diaper changes and making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches instead of something I prioritize. Food quality and portion control are two of Andy's and mine biggest problems. Exercise usually works itself out for me when it warms up and we spend more time out of the house, but of course I could always stand to pump it up some. So do we join Weight Watchers again? I've joined the program a few times in the past and half the time I've had to give up because of pregnancy. Well, that issue has been nipped in the bud (tubal ligations lead to horrid periods, fyi). I enjoy the organizational aspect of the WW program, it fulfills my OCD and Capricornness. It's just the sticking to it for more than a few weeks before caving and it all falling to pieces and my ass remaining huge. Andy's a great motivator and hugely supportive so that helps. Sigh... I just don't know.

My new baby

2011-04-29T20:09:00.000-07:00

Guess what Drew got me for my graduation present!!!! Squeeeeeee!! Now to figure out how to figure out all the doohickies and such. Contemplating taking a class or two. :)

In other excellent news my turkey leg has been chosen to be in KinderPlus at the elementary closest to us. Yay for all day kindergarten with free bus transportation!

2011 To Do

2011-04-06T16:53:00.000-07:00

Make fireplace usable or more weather proof
Take Tarquin on the People Mover
The Heidelberg Project
Water park
Back to my pre-pregnancy weight minus 20 lbs (flexible until after I see the full pregnancy gain)
3 field related non-textbooks
1 vegetarian supper a week
Send someone a singing telegram
Big girl camera – graduation present
Zoo photo
3 museums - 2 museums left
Finish my Bachelors (expected completion March 19)
Walk for graduation this time
Stand up and fight, even if I lose, during visitation motion
Carousel at the Riverwalk (yes, AGAIN)
Less fast food, more cooking
5 books off of my ever growing book list (suggestions always welcome)
Put book list into easier/usable format
More markets/craft shows/festivals/etc.
3 new parks
Write something, anything
Save for the flying Dumbos
U.S. Map project
2 G.S. badges
Drive In
Improve my mental health
GRE
Tarquin’s bedroom curtain
Organize and set up basement into a livable/usable area
Get me some dang winter boots
Craft
Pay off credit cards
Apply to Grad Schools

I need to get my ass in gear... Sigh...

So...

2011-03-24T13:54:00.000-07:00

I finally finished my Bachelor's degree. It feels rather anticlimactic. Now what? A job, of course. GRE, of course. Grad school decisions, of course (I promised Tarquin I would take a year off in between).

It's been a lot of change around here for me. New baby, finished school, adjusting to "new" life on the other side of these journeys. Change has never been my strong suit. So forgive the moroseness (which is most definitely not at all helped by side effects to blood pressure medication) over the next little while.

Without further adieu

2011-03-21T08:27:00.000-07:00

Harrison Danger Costanza

March 8, 2011

2:46 pm

7 lb 1 oz

20 1/2 in

Dear Sweet Baby Jesus

2011-03-01T00:59:00.001-08:00

Let it be time already!!!!

What did you do?

2010-12-29T18:11:00.001-08:00

What did I do with my last nearly two childless weeks for the next decade or so/Christmas break?

Cried far too much about missing Tarquin.
Ate A LOT of cookies (and maybe Hawaiian sweet rolls too).
Spent money.
Had peoples over one night.
Saw Rick Charming sing Lady Gaga.
Got some stuff ready for Harrison (we have a crib!)
Took down a tree and giftmas decorations.
A couple loads of laundry.
Rewatched seasons 2-4 of Weeds (and will possibly rewatch Season 5 before the boy returns).
Yelled at Andy quite a bit.
Napped far too little, but some.
Whined/Complained/Moaned/Groaned

What makes you special in your own home?

2010-12-22T08:32:00.000-08:00

Tarquin asks me this question every so often. I have no idea where he got it from or what he's really trying to get out of me. I always answer that he is what makes me special though, and it's always true. Does it make me less special if he's not here? Man, I miss him.

Over three years now

2010-12-19T11:50:00.000-08:00

And it isn't a whole lot easier when he's gone for visitation. But really, when you're missing this face, how can it? >12 days!

Ho Ho Ho!

2010-12-07T19:56:00.001-08:00

Thankfulness

2010-11-23T13:27:00.000-08:00

Day 21 in the 30 Days of Truth is just a ridiculously silly and irrelevant topic (at least for me) so instead I'm going to go with the trusty and true Thanksgiving what I am thankful for post instead.

Turkey Leg - He has his own way of thinking that I've never witnessed in anyone else. He exasperates and frustrates me more than anyone else can.
Drew
Friends - I have few and I've been a crappy friend to them the past year, but I am always thankful for them.
Family - I could never have lived my life in the way I wanted these past few years without them.
School - Baker's been my home for 3 years. After March, it will definitely be strange.
"Cornelius" - That we've come this far is pretty miraculous and it's just beginning.

30 Days of Truth: 20

2010-11-22T18:29:00.000-08:00

Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.

These are just getting worse and worse...

Be responsible. Don't hurt anyone or anything, well besides yourself. Drugs and alcohol always hurt yourself.

30 Days of Truth: 19

2010-11-21T19:57:00.001-08:00

Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Ew, blah. Next subject.

30 Days of Truth: 18

2010-11-20T13:07:00.000-08:00

Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.

Well, to begin with I hate marriage. I think it's fairly stupid, but I may still be slightly bitter. But to refuse to give someone the same right as someone else simply because of their sexuality is absolutely ridiculous to me.

30 Days of Truth:17

2010-11-19T05:22:00.000-08:00

Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

Christopher Moore's novels; in particular Fluke or Lamb.

30 Days of Truth:16

2010-11-18T06:48:00.000-08:00

Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.

The hassle of co-parenting. I understand it's necessity, but life would be infinitely easier and smoother without it.

30 Days of Truth:15

2010-11-17T14:14:00.000-08:00

Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

The Internet. Sadly, I have tried (part of my 2010 To Do List: one Internet free weekend a month). Either school work interferes or I need to find directions somewhere. I've become completely reliant on the world wide web.

30 Days of Truth:13 & 14 (Half Assed Style)

2010-11-16T14:47:00.000-08:00

I've been staring at my 30 Days of Truth topics (they're on my desktop so I can't completely forget them) and absolutely disliking Days 13 and 14. So like everything I don't like, I put it off and put it off until I start to shame myself and it becomes this whole mess of a head case circle full of issues that don't even pertain to the original problem. Anyways...

Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

I can't think of any and the whole idea of a letter just annoys me for some reason. I go through short phases with my music that don't last long enough to warrant saying that they've gotten me through some tough ass days. Nor am I really the person to listen to a single album, I'm more of a shuffle kinda girl.

Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)

I don't have heros. Never have, probably never will. People look at me as though I'm crazy when I can never come up with a hero. Maybe that's part of my problem though, hrmm...

30 Days of Truth:12

2010-11-13T05:25:00.000-08:00

Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.

My taste in television and movies.

My driving skills.

My obsession with the color orange.

30 Days of Truth:11

2010-11-12T13:51:00.000-08:00

Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

I get compliments on how well behaved Tarquin is, some backhanded ones about my intelligence from classmates, my efficiency by coworkers and employers and Tarquin and Andy like to tell me all of the time how pretty/beautiful I am.

30 Days of Truth:10

2010-11-11T06:22:00.000-08:00

Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

I've gotten better over the years of letting go of toxic friendships. Generally I distance myself until the relationship fades, probably not the healthiest or most mature way of handling life, but as a nonconfrontationalist to my core it works for me. I currently have one relationship that needs to be terminated. I've let it continue because of educational obligations, but now that obligation that is coming to an end. These next few weeks of me cutting ties will be hell on me.

30 Days of Truth:9

2010-11-10T12:59:00.000-08:00

Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Lindsay Lou

Kate

Cummybear

Jessica

The list goes on...

Having no sense of permanence as an adult does that.

30 Days of Truth:8

2010-11-09T11:26:00.000-08:00

Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Do I pick the easy answer? Or do I go back to the assholes in Junior High? Do I get all philosophical and dissect every relationship? Eh, fuck it. In the end, I am the one who has made my life the most like hell and treated myself the shittiest.

Also...

2010-11-08T15:57:00.001-08:00

30 Days of Truth:7

2010-11-08T15:53:00.001-08:00

Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.

30 Days of Truth:6

2010-11-07T05:45:00.000-08:00

Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.

Bury my children, the miscarriages were enough.

Sky dive.

Eat tongue.

30 Days of Truth:5

2010-11-06T14:19:00.000-07:00

Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.

Where do I start? I guess a couple of things will suffice.

Go to Europe.

Get my Doctorate.

See my children happy.

Own my own home.

Sleep in a tree house.

30 Days of Truth:4

2010-11-05T08:38:00.000-07:00

Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.

For every explanation I have to give Tarquin. For every time I see the hurt in his eyes. And I don't think I ever will.

30 Days of Truth:3

2010-11-04T13:54:00.000-07:00

Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for

Wasting time. I wasted years in a marriage that made me hate myself and exacerbated my mental health issues. I wasted time and energy on people I knew from the get go were a drain and no good for me. I wasted time pursuing other people's dreams for me rather than the dreams I had for myself. I wasted time being sunken so deeply into my own personal hell that I in some ways I created for myself in my own head. Every day I waste time still.

30 Days of Truth:2

2010-11-03T13:28:00.000-07:00

Day 02 Something you love about yourself.

I realize how sad it is when for day one I could spit out a hundred things I hate about myself in no time at all, but I've had to rack my brain for half the day to come up with something I love about myself. In the end I guess I'd have to choose what has been called my sense of adventure/recklessness/stupidity. I listen to people all of the time say things about how they wish they could move, change jobs, go back to school, take a trip on a whim, etc. Well, I'm the one who says to do it, that it's possible, and that it SHOULD be done. I had my stupid move with the Navy guys and the subsequent moves of faith in years afterwards. I've quit on a whim because I wasn't happy. I've gone back to school a handful of times and never once seriously thought I couldn't do it (well, once I learned about FA). The only thing that's held me back on whimsical spur-of-the-moment trips lately is school, Tarquin or money, and even sometimes I'll throw caution and waste money and bring Tarquin. I have to have a "plan" for my life or I go crazy, but not all of life has to be planned. Things work out. Money is made. Time is found. Life only happens once, make it worth it. What ifs get you nowhere. JUST DO IT (whatever your it for the day/week/month/year/decade is) ALREADY. Or at least don't talk to me about it. :p

30 Days of Truth:1

2010-11-02T12:19:00.001-07:00

I read about a meme called 30 Days of Truth today and as I've been slacking with the blogging thing a lot lately. Plus I've been way too moody/down on myself and maybe some retrospection will be beneficial.

The 30 Days topics are:

Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

So without further ado, Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.

Just one thing? Lately I can list a zillion things. Right now I hate my moodiness/negativity the most. Faking it until I'm making it has been something that I haven't kept at the forefront of my mind like I used to make a conscious effort to do. I hate everything, I hate everyone and I complain more than ever. It may be hormonal, but I don't think that's all of it as I was back to being this way before I got knocked up.

Now, what to do about it...

One line rants?

2010-09-27T06:15:00.000-07:00

It's going to be a long and cold winter if I can't stay warm. :(

Is it dead?

I get three hours, and I am on here and watching Obsessed.

Why can't anyone else be competent?

Stupid pompous teacher.

You're really going to force their hand, it's just money!

Do you ever wonder?

2010-09-24T14:15:00.001-07:00

What the hell happened to my life? Where the hell is my life going? Is this what I want? What do I want? *BLARGH*

Coming in late March/early April!

2010-09-19T06:29:00.000-07:00

So Grown Up

2010-09-13T14:59:00.000-07:00

What I Believe (or Don't)

2010-08-30T07:04:00.001-07:00

I used to say I was spiritual, but lately I don't know. I find myself more and more pessimistic regarding spirituality and religious. It's not that I've become Agnostic or Atheist, I just have problems with belief of any sort the past few years. I would have thought that with Tarquin in my life now that believing would somehow have become easier, but in actuality the opposite is true.

I Wish I Could Take This Back

2010-08-26T05:36:00.001-07:00

Because I miss her very much and I know I threw away one of the best friendships I've ever had. I wouldn't have blown up on her over things that weren't her fault. I knew that I wasn't really upset with her, but with my life situation. Of all the people I should have blown up at it should have been him, and I should have been mad at me. I know that I can never take it back, and I will never have her back in my life the way she was. I'm sorry nearly every day about it.

Dying

2010-08-14T05:22:00.001-07:00

I feel like I am.

When the Lights Go Out

2010-08-03T08:43:00.001-07:00

Thunderstorm arrives, power outage! How do you occupy your time?

Reading (to myself and to the boy), playing with any of the overflowing toys that Tarquin has with him, turning in early or whining about how I'm hungry.

What Keeps Me Up at Night, and not in a good way.

2010-07-30T06:04:00.001-07:00

Racing thoughts, procrastination, distraction, worries, stress in general.

The no-fail way to get me to roll my eyes is to have to listen to Drew.

2010-07-29T09:14:00.001-07:00

Andy's cheesiness, which is never ending of course.

Every day, I make my coffee, snuggle and text.

2010-07-24T20:47:00.001-07:00

Drink my coffee
The ritual of my k-cup each morning helps me to wake up. The sound, the smell, the taste, the caffeine.

SNUGGLE
Tarquin wouldn't allow me not to. ;)

Text
The modern age of Facebook, texting, instant messages has made my social awkwardness/avoidance/nervousness worse. I'd MUCH rather text than actually talk to a person on the phone.

No way, I couldn't live without a car for a year

2010-07-22T05:38:00.001-07:00

I live in Southeastern Michigan. We have shit for community transportation and everything is so far spread out biking or walking would be a near impossibility (I'm not even going to mention that there are few commuter bike lanes, whoops I did). On top of having a Tarquinius Rex and his gear to haul around, a car is the way I have to go. Perhaps one day I'll move to a city where I can throw the keys in the garbage.

Another one bites the dust.

2010-07-20T14:46:00.001-07:00

Or maybe not... WTF?

Here we go again.

2010-07-18T15:16:00.001-07:00

Dirtfest

2010-07-18T06:11:00.001-07:00

Being hot, sticky, sun-kissed, exhausted, dirty and full from a long day at the Pickeral Tournament with friends and family.

I had to call.

2010-07-16T05:15:00.000-07:00

I did. It's been a month since things were talked about AND lowered. There was so much overdue to begin with. I feel bad, but it's not like communication has been made with me about why things are so behind and what plans there are to rectify the situation. Communication never was our strong point, even when things were "good". I don't know how the motion gets cancelled. If there's a percentage of arrears that have to be paid or just any at all. I understand his situation, I really do. Someday maybe we'll work together. That's my hope I know.

The Last Time I Thanked Someone

2010-07-16T05:12:00.001-07:00

Last night, I'm unsure exactly. I remember using it a few times at the mall, but which was the last time I dunno. Manners are very important to me and are so often not seen today. I make an extra effort to use please, thank you, excuse me, etc. It's one of the things I really want to impart upon Tarquin as well.

Insomnia

2010-07-15T10:49:00.000-07:00

It's trying to be tricky and sneaking up on me in irregular ways (at least for me). Instead of lying awake for hours trying to bore myself until I sleep or having to take drugs to knock me out, I'm falling asleep just fine. Then at about 4 am I wake up and can't fall back asleep. Tossing and turning doesn't do much for my back. Luckily T has been curling up in my bed around 7:30 and snuggle sleeping for a while longer.

WHO STOLE MY COOKIES?!?!